Apparently I'm going to be assisting in planning the opening ceremony for Toronto Pagan Pride this year. However, our kindred opened last year, so if anyone else wants it they can have it. We don't want to be accused of hogging the spotlight!

We'll prepare a ceremony just in case anyone backs out though.

Pet peeve of the day: Customers who get angry with me when I ask them which size they'd like.

Customers, I apologize that I am unable to read your mind to automatically make your perfect beverage.
I'm so sorry, that I can't use my customer service skills to correctly guess the size that will make your day perfect.
I deserve your glares when I ask you to choose your size.
I deserve to be called a bitch because I waited 5 minutes for you to choose which cup you wanted your triple sugar free vanilla soy extra hot no foam no water with whip tazo chai latte.
You should correct me when I call your tall latte to my barista, of course I meant to say small. Please repeat it two or three times for me, it helps me learn.
Of course the size you told me to get wasn't correct, please get angry with me because you MEANT to say the smaller size.
By no means should you be forced to pay for your drink, it's not my fault you don't know our sizing. It's all my fault, blame me.

I'm so sorry I'm not the magical Starbucks Barista fairy.
I'm so sorry you aren't intelligent enough to actually order a size when you want your drink.
I'm so sorry I waved you goodbye while calling "have a great night". I deserved those glares.

Angry bitter customers who only wanted their daily sugar fix, I apologize for not being a mindless drone.

I feel physically and mentally drained as of late.

I can attribute my physical state to a combination of working horrible hours and trying to settle into the new apartment. Trying to make sure I keep my home clean, as well as keep my work self as happy as I can, is really starting to wear on me. I think the mental part is that I really just need a day off from everything to relax.

School starts on Monday, can't help but be excited about that!

Well.. room is a mess.. Gonna go tackle that.

I do believe I accidentaly tripped into the role of a housewife.

How that happen?

New place, just finished unpacking all of my books and DVDs. And cleaning the kitchen. A chore I hate doing. I also cooked breakfast for the boy this morning, something ELSE I hate doing. Feels alright though. I had to make sure I wore jeans today to compensate for the girly feeling.

So old roommate is still bugging me, sending me texts telling me to return her things and sending a text 5 min after saying "oops, I found it". Apparently looking for something before accusing people of stealing it doesn't make as much sense to her as it does to me. Drama? Thought I'd left it behind already.

There's still so much to do to make this apartment really liveable. I have a coffee table and a chair in the corner, a desk with my computer on it, and bookshelves. No kitchen table, no couch, no TV... There's still so very much to do and I'm working almost every night this week. I don't know when I'm going to find time to spend with James, our schedules are so opposite this week.

Slight side note, my kitchen cupboards keep opening the opposite way then I expect them to. I've smacked myself in the face more times then I care to count.

I'm slightly worried about my cat, she's eating fine and meowing at me.. But whenever she sees a bird on the balcony and meows, no sound really comes out and her bottom jaw shakes.. I thought she had an injury but she's eating fine and doesn't seem to be in pain.. So I'll have to keep an eye on that.

Oh well. Gotta go unpack a little more if I ever want to settle in here.

If I could travel anywhere in the world, I think the first step for me would have to be the Scottish highlands. I dream about being able to wake up in the morning with fog wisping around my front door, heather dripping dew by my doorstep, and lavender growing in bundles in my window sills.

I've dreamed about being able to live in a place where I can be closer to my roots, closer to the place I think my heart comes from. My favorite novels focus on Scotland, my dreams revolve around haunted hills and stone circles, I feel like my soul would really feel at home there. The closest I've ever gotten to feeling this safe is the Cumberlands in Nova Scotia.

So today was V day, I spent the morning at work which was nice. I don't mind working in the morning when I get the night off to spend at home making foods :D

Gave James his present, a full persian bracelet I'd made. I remembered that before we were dating, we were going to a friend's CD release party and he pointed out a chainmail necklace to me in a window we were walking past. I decided to use that memory to make my gift for him.

He gave me an amber ring and pendant, both he picked up at an antique shop we'd visited together, and both the pieces that I'd pointed out to him while we were there. Funny how he remembers these things.

Dinner was cabbage soup (not as bad as it sounds! It had ground beef and tomatoes, carrots, red onion, celery, the works!), fresh homemade bread, strawberry wine.. followed by pralines and cream ice cream with amaretto soaked strawberries on top :)

We watched some Sex and the City before he had to leave for work.. He'll be back sometime soon I hope.

---

It's been a really long time since I felt this important in the world. I mean, I really doubt my brother and sister look up to me as a role model, I don't have a lot of really close friends, and I was involved in a relationship where I was never top priority. Now, James buys me gifts that actually have meaning behind them, brings me flowers when I'm really upset, jokes around with me and teases me.. I've never felt this freedom with a person before, I can tease and make fun and no that I'm not going to have to deal with sulking for it.

I feel really safe, and I feel cared for. My friends are all looking for a new apartment for me, and keep calling me to check up on how I'm dealing with it all. I really do feel like I'm being cradled by the people closest to me and it feels safe. I feel like I'm allowed to be me again.

I love how I'm reading again, studying my herbs and whatnot.. I totally lost that before, I stopped reading almost completely. But everything I do now feels supported, it feels ok.

I love where I am now.. Just got to watch that the other shoe doesn't fall eh?

Alright, the new moon sucked for my energy levels. I know that the new moon is supposed to be a time of new beginnings and all.. but really, I just felt so stagnant. This could be because I'm a water sign, and the new moon isn't that great for my energy.

The full moon is coming next week though, so I'm really looking forward to it. I always feel stronger during the full moon and the first quarter.

Roommate update? I'm pretty sure she's insane.. She completely flipped out about me opening a bottle of alcohol, when normally we always share and it was on the shelf with all of the shared bottles.. I replaced it for her, but she's still demanding an apology. I'm thinking about moving out.

Thing is.. I don't know what I'd do. I couldn't move in with James for a lot of reasons, I'm still so antsy about my past relationship. I mean, I was with my ex for two years, then he moved in, and disapeared in 3 months. James and I have only been together for that long. I know he's a completely different person from my ex, but.. I'm still the same person. What if I'm the problem?

So.. I have a lot I need to think about..

He's contacting my roommate. He's contacting my little sister.

Why can't he just leave me alone already?

I do believe I'm the happiest I've been in a year.

I've been thinking a lot though.. And i really hope I've tried to take the high road in all of this. I can't help but wonder about the other side  of it all. Like.. How did I look like I was coping on the other side?

I probably looked crazy or bitchy.. I hope i've done ok.. I hope I didn't do anything to hurt anyone..

why is this bugging me so much tonight?

Like.. I don't feel like anything that happened, any of the drama.. was me. But.. what if they think it was all me?

ugh

Dear whoever up there happens to be listening..

I'm really scared. My mind is flying at a million miles an hour and it's all bad thoughts, thoughts about D, thoughts about him, it's all coming so fast that I don't know what to do anymore. I can't make the bad thoughts stop and the good ones scare me just as bad.

Please, please tell me I'm not using him as my life preserver.. I'm so terrified that I just grabbed onto him when I was scared and that I'm not letting go. Please, if you have any pity in your souls please just say I mean this, that I'm not just panicking.

I don't know where to go, and I feel like there's no one I can talk to that will really understand.

I just want to curl up in my bed and forget the world exists for a little while. Today I felt like I couldn't breathe most of the time. It's like my thoughts are just trying to crush me, and I can't shake them off.

So.. Please, just make tomorrow a little easier?

Sincerely,
A really scared little kid stuck in a grown-ups role

Argh.

Fucking, argh.

My mood is really weird. On the one hand I'm like whoa, shit, stop, hold on just a second.
On the other, I really don't mind getting swept out with the tide.

I'm so fucked, I don't really know what to do, what to say.. This is so damningly difficult.

God I hope I didn't screw up major. This is terrifying

So, I do believe that I'm going to Ottawa. With my violin. and busking for 2 days.

So not me. But I feel like I need to do it.

I'm just.. utterly terrified.

I think I've made a tiny bit of a step here. And hopefully, going to Ottawa helps me ultimately snap out of this funk I've been trapped in for a few weeks. I've been really depressed and and needing to get out of it.

It was an expensive ticket but it's non refundable. So.. I actually have to do it.

---

I'm also going to a Pagan Pub Moot on Wednesday apparently. Strange, but I'll make it work.

So I think I'm actually leaving ^^

Lately I've been finding that I'm really depressed at work and with school.. Even personally in my apartment. It feels like people are being a lot less understanding then they could be, even my closest friends. 

People treat me great, then they find out I'm 19.. and all that respect seems to fly out the window.

So I've decided to go away for a weekend, just myself, and my violin. I'm thinking Ottawa.. I just have to be able to afford the bus ticket and I can go :)

I feel as if I've come a long way in the past week or so.

I finally said goodbye to him. I feel like my heart has finally let him go, even though I still think about him every day.

I've started to really invest some interest in a guy I really like, although I want it to go slow. I don't want to throw myself into anything.

I've been reading about Buddhism. I'm a Christian at heart, but something about the Buddhist teachings calms me. Last night I feel asleep listening to the Gayatri Mantra.  It calmed me down better then I've felt in a long time.

I know that you never truly forget about your first love. But I don't want to be bitter anymore, I just want to try to live my life as happy as I can, for as long as I can. He ended it, and that's it. I know in my heart that I would have never had the courage to end it, so really.. This is what had to happen. It was blunt, and it was hurtful, but it's done.

I need to be at peace with myself. I need to remember that I can be happy alone, and I can be happy with other people. The other people aren't a neccesity, they're just helpful. I can move on from all this.

I'll be alright. I know I will :)

I went out with him last night, had a drink with him and a friend, then we headed back to his place.

We got some McD before we headed to bed. I was really surprised.. normally when I stay over he sleeps on the couch and gives me the bed. Last night though.. he said "lets go to bed" and came with me.. I fell asleep with him holding me.

He woke up saying Good Morning Beautiful, calling me his beautiful girl.. It was a surprise.

I asked him why he was being so nice to me all of a sudden.. and he just said that he still loved me, but he was enjoying being able to have fun and not have to stress about me all the time. Which I understand.

I just.. I felt much much better about everything. Strange.. but I am.

So.. I went. He pretty much ignored me and I saw a certain girl that had caused trouble in our relationship and I pretty much panicked and went home.

He called me the next day and we screamed at each other for half an hour. then we started laughing and made plans to go rollarblading.

I saw him again on Sunday, then on Monday. I don't know.. It feels like we're cool but I've almost stopped caring really. I don't really mind not seeing him anymore. It's strange, I feel so indifferent about it now. I mean, it's great and all to see him.. but I'm just as happy getting prepared for a night in.

I still think about him though.. that hasn't quite gone away yet.

On the happy side, I have about 85 coming to me soon :D I finished 3 orders for my jewelry and there's one in progress. A 5th not started yet, and a 6th still in negotiation stages.

Soon I'm going to have enough money for that DS I wanted :D yaaay for pokemon pearl!!

He invited me and my roommate to come to Canada's Wonderland with him and his friends.

I called him today.. I asked him if he was sure about me going, because I remembered how he didn't want his friends knowing that he was still seeing me every now and then. He said "part of the reason we broke up is because you never came out with me and my friends"

Not really sure what to make of that. Does that mean that this is a step forward in whatever we're doing?

Or am I just thinking too much?

God damn...

So.. We talked last night.

He met up with me and walked me home.. We talked a bit about my miscarriage. He gave me hugs till I stopped crying.

I told him about how I hadn't wanted to tell him because I didn't want to ruin everything for him. He said he would have been happy knowing I was pregnant.

We talked about how we still love each other, how we can't get over each other. He said that he's been trying to keep it slow, just keep seeing each other to once a week, to try to respark what we originally had. I understand, its just hard to live with. I told him about how I hated him living here, and I hated how much I loved him because it made it so hard to keep moving.

He said he's not seeing anyone else, and he isn't going to while we're doing.. whatever it is that we're doing. The thing is, I'm seeing other people.. And it's not like I'm doing anything physical with them, but still.. I'm trying to decide when it's a good time to bring that up. I probably won't until he asks.

I told him that I had really thought that I'd found my soulmate. And he said to me that maybe we could feel that way again soon. Last night, for the first time in so long, I felt like we actually got each other. I finally felt like we were both in sync again.

Why is this so hard? I want so badly to just forget everything that happened, everything we had so I can move on and find someone new. But at the same time, sometimes I just want to forget the past 6 months and go to back to what we originally had.

The last day I posted, he texted me in the evening.

He said he was sorry but he'd been working non stop for the past 4 days.

I didn't really believe him. There's no way you're so busy you can't reply to a text message. We met up tuesday night, fucked around a bit.. and I told him about my miscarriage. He asked if I was ok, told me he wished I'd told him sooner, and said we'd discuss it later when we had more time.

And here I am, almost a week later. He's doing the same thing as before, not replying to my text messages. I haven't even tried to call him this time. I'm just so.. worn down. If he wants to ignore me, there's nothing I can really do about it and I hate that.

He says he wants for us to stay good friends, but I can't do it. After what we had, I can't just pretend it never happened. I can't just pretend I wasn't pregnant. I can't just pretend that his ignoring me doesn't hurt.

You don't ignore a plea for help from a friend. You just don't do it. I needed him there so badly and he ignored me.

I deleted his number from my cell phone yesterday. I cried a little bit.

So last wednesday He came over to have a few beers with me, and got a call from a girl. He told her he was just leaving a friends house, and i showed him the door.

I sent him a text that said "i'm going to stop bugging you" and "i feel I need too much attention and I talk too much". I was drunk.

The next morning I sent him a text apologizing for my drunkenness.

And here we are.. Day 5 of no contact from him at all.

So.. I'm not really sure what's happened here. I just know it's got me feeling really down..